In a scene straight out of the weirdest fan fiction never written, Dobby the house elf is caught red-handed standing next to a bottle of lube, making “happy elf noises.” The caption? “Master has given Dobby some cock!“

The misunderstanding begins when his owner generously offers Dobby some simple self-care items, including lotion and lip balm. But Dobby, in his infinite enthusiasm, spies the bottle of lube, mistakes it for a sign of generosity of a different kind, and declares, “Master has truly set Dobby free!”

Flustered, you try to correct him: “No, Dobby, I said you could take this…”—but you trail off as Dobby starts applying the lube to his elbows like it’s wizard-approved skincare.

As the room fills with awkward silence, Dobby grins ear to floppy ear, whispering, “Dobby is a free elf, and Dobby takes what he needs.” What started as a simple gesture of kindness ends with you locking every door in your house and reconsidering your life choices.

The meme ends with a chilling thought: “Me: Never giving house elves personal items again.”