Heh-haa!
**Tsu’Kalu’s “Pandora Panic”**
Deep in the heart of Pandora, Tsu’Kalu, a proud Na’vi warrior, was known for his bravery, grace, and absolute commitment to the cause. He had faced Thanators, humans in massive mech suits, and those freakishly stubborn Viperwolves. But there was one enemy Tsu’Kalu had yet to conquer: his morning alarm.
The night before, Tsu’Kalu had spent hours battling alongside the other warriors. Exhausted, he collapsed in his hammock in the lush forests of Pandora. His avatar training sessions were intense, but sleep… *sleep* was sacred. Unfortunately, so was his uncanny ability to sleep through literally anything.
His handmade alarm—a carefully constructed collection of Pandora’s screeching birds—finally went off at sunrise. They weren’t subtle. *”BEEEHHHHH!”* they cried, but in his dream-filled haze, Tsu’Kalu thought it was just another battle cry from his Na’vi brothers. Until the noise became deafening, and suddenly, he woke up with a scream of his own, “*HEH-HAA!”*
In that split second of pure adrenaline-fueled confusion, something… primal happened. His body, so used to the agility and strength of his Na’vi form, betrayed him in the most human way possible. *He shit himself.*
Tsu’Kalu bolted upright in his hammock, blinking around wildly, unsure if he was still dreaming or if Pandora itself was playing tricks on him. *”No. NO. This can’t be happening!”* But it was. The Na’vi were skilled in many things—archery, hunting, bonding with their ikran—but Tsu’Kalu quickly realized that dealing with an… unexpected bodily function wasn’t part of the usual warrior training.
And of course, it was *right* then that he heard a faint chuckle behind him.
**Firi’Tan**, his best friend and fellow warrior, was leaning casually against a tree, witnessing the entire scene. “Tsu’Kalu,” he smirked, “you’ve fought the Sky People, you’ve tamed the Great Leonopteryx, and yet… you’re defeated by an alarm? What’s next? Glitching through the ground like one of those *Ubisoft* creatures?”
Tsu’Kalu groaned, wishing he could disappear into Pandora’s lush forest floor, but alas, Ubisoft hadn’t programmed that feature into the fabric of reality just yet. Instead, he glared at Firi’Tan, “At least I didn’t *despawn* mid-battle last week. Heard you *clipped* right through the ground while fighting a Viperwolf.”
Firi’Tan burst into laughter. “Ah, but that’s the Ubisoft way! Reality itself warps, my friend. One minute you’re in a Na’vi body, the next minute you’re flying through the ground and respawning in a tree. Maybe we’re all just in one of their *glitch-fests*.”
Tsu’Kalu shook his head, still deeply embarrassed. “It’s like Ubisoft built Pandora—beautiful world, but everything else just breaks at the worst moment.”
With a sigh, he trudged off into the forest to clean himself up. His morning had been more of a disaster than any battle, but at least he had Firi’Tan there to mock him all the way through it. As he walked, he mumbled to himself, “Maybe I should start using human tech after all. Pretty sure even their broken games don’t wake you up with a *scream and a poop*…”
Firi’Tan, still laughing, shouted after him, “At least you didn’t have to find the *hidden loot boxes*!”
Ah, Pandora—always full of surprises, even in the early morning… especially when Ubisoft is involved.
